Not a Hippie Thing

       "Timothy will know - " I heard my name as I walked down the hall at work.  (Being a Marine, I go by my last name at work.)

      I took a couple steps back to peek into the office from which I had heard my name.  Three or four of the judge advocates I work with were gathered for an end-of-the-day gab session.  "I'll know what?"

        "What, exactly," one of them asked me, "is patchoili?"

       I supressed a  bit of laughter.  "Why do you think I'd know that?" 

       The answer is obvious.  It has long been established that I am "The Hippie of the Law Center."  I handed over what little knowledge I have of patchouli (which I consider to be a little more tied in with drug culture than the organic, plant eating, food growing, chemical free, pagan-y circles I perfer, but whatever, I did know what it was).  The conversation then went on to much more hilarious topics that I won't be touching on here.  Ok, it may have involved plushies and custom costumes with trap doors... Maybe.

       Over the course of the last year, it has been far from unusual for my coworkers to ply me with random questions about my beliefs and lifestyle.  Always respectfully and out of curiosity, mind you.  The Marine Corps can be a pretty homogenous place, and the assumption is often that Marines are conservative and Christian.  Often, that is exactly the case.  But you also run into exceptions (like raging liberal UU Pagan Marines, ahem).  I find that most of the judge advocates (military attorneys) I've worked with have been much more liberal than the general military population is held out to be.

      Regardless, while many of my fellow attorneys are pretty liberal, they are also, by and large, Christians and not at all what one might call "hippies."  Except me.  The Hippie of the Law Center.

      It is not unusual for me to find myself in a discussion about "crunchy" topics with one or two of my coworkers.  Most often, they want to know about ethical eating and why I feel strongly about it and what I've read lately.  About two months ago, one of them, who I'll call Capt Curious for simplicity's sake asked me to come to his office.  He wanted to show me a video.  He said he thought of me the moment he saw it.  He was totally right, and I LOVED the video:



     This IS me.  Really.  Right up until the point where they decide to actually go to the farm, this is me.  Okay, I've gone to the farms themselves, too, but not in the middle of dinner ;-)  I love Portlandia.  Everything about it.  Especially Dream of the 90's.  I love the 90's just as much as the 80's.  Maybe even more because the style wasn't quite as horrifying.  If you haven't checked out Portlandia, you should.  Love it.  And it totally confirms that MacGyver and I have been right in our continuing desire to move to Portland, OR (though I don't see that happening until the kids are older).

      Anyway, Capt Curious showed me that clip, which I stated was a more accurate representation of me than he probably realized, and we talked a little bit about Food Ethics.  I told him that I don't eat factory meat becasue of the deplorable conditions - both for humane reasons and for health reasons.  A couple other Captains wondered in through the course of our discussion, but the general feel was that no one else had really thought to look into it.  Which I don't hold against them.  That's sort of the status quo in the US.  There is this assumption that mass produced = good, safe, healthy, etc. 

      The degree to which that assumption is wrong is horrifying once you really start to peel back the layers.  The massively negative health consequences of eating large quantities of meat, processed foods,  factory meat, and other common, accepted products are astounding.  And it doesn't end at food - cleaning products, cosmetics (including shampoo and soap), even the materials from which our homes are built, are saturated with toxic chemicals.  But so few people even realize it.  So few people are paying attention.  And really, who has time to pay attention to all of it?  I mean, I'm obsessive about it, and I know I'm only scratching the surface.

      Our system is broken.  Just because something is in the grocery store or nicely packaged in NO WAY means it is safe or should be in your home or in your body.

      And that was what we discussed.  Or, I should say, that was the opinion I gave, to which my co-workers responded with skeptical acceptence.

      Then, a couple days ago, Capt Curiosity approached me as I was milling around outside the courtroom.

      "I saw Food, Inc. this weekend." he informed me with obvious joy, raising his hand for a fist bump (a fist bump?  Really?  If you knew me in real life, you would know how laughable that is.  Maybe just reading this blog is enough to realize I am not really a 'fist bump' sort of person. Then again, none of my coworkers probably are, either... MacGyver laughed out loud when I told him.) 

      I returned the fist bump.  "What did you think?"

      Basically, he was really glad he had watched it, and he wished he had seen it sooner.  He had no idea about many of the serious issues that come into play in food ethics and how much idiocy goes on before food ends up in our grocery stores.  He told me he had decided to switch to only local, humanely and organically raised meat.  I was happy for him.

      "You've been won over to the hippie side."  I told him.

      And that is when he balked a little.

      "Well," he said, "I don't really see it that way.  I mean, I think wanting to know where you food comes from, being willing to do the research before making decisions doesn't make you a hippie, it just makes you responsible."

      Huh.  Apparently I'm not a hippie after all...

Holiday Ham

      When I found out the family was coming for Christmas, I was very excited.  I immediately called Boo to talk about what they wanted to do while they were here.  I also asked him what he wanted for Christmas dinner.

      "Dangit!"  he exclaimed.  "I didn't even think of that."

      "What?"
 
      "Mom made the best honey ham for Easter, and I was really excited about having one for Christmas, but I guess that won't be happening at YOUR house."

      Now, I have to say that when Boo stayed with us for about a month last summer, he had no problems with the food.  He was actually surprised by how much he liked my cooking and the "hippie" lifestyle.  That said, he still snuck hot pockets and pizza rolls once in a while when the kids weren't around.

      I reminded Boo that while we rarely eat meat, we are not vegetarians.  We are Ethical Eaters.  We eat meat when we can get it from a local, humane source, and we only eat it a few times a month because humans aren't meant to eat meat every day.  And I just so happened to know of a [somewhat] local pig farm.  I assured Boo the ham would be better than any crap you can get from the store, and set out in search of a cut of meat and a recipe.

      I played a little bit of phone and email tag with the couple who own the farm I planned to get the ham from, with the woman insisting to me over and OVER again that a fresh ham from a farm is NOT like a store bought ham.  Of course.  A fresh ham is not cured.  It is not pumped full of chemicals, nitrates/nitrites, sodium, fillers, and dye.  I understood completely.  That's why I was putting so much thought and research into the recipe.  But still, EVERY time I spoke to her, she reminded me that this ham would taste more like a pork roast than a grocery store chemical ham.  It actually got rather annoying after a time.  But the man I spoke to on the farm was far from condescending, and their pork was all humanely raised and well worth it.

      So one afternoon in December, I packed up the kids and made the hour and ten minute (one way) trek out to the farm to pick up our ham - which, by that point, I was starting to call "Boo's ham."

      I'm sure a 3 hour round trip might seem like a lot for one cut of meat, but I look at the bigger picture:  The drive wasn't for the meat itself, it was for what the meat represents.  It was for meat free of artifical hormones, antibiotics, and toxic chemicals (and YES, the meat in the grocery store - even some of the "organic" meat, contains TOXIC chemicals proven to increase the risk of brain cancer in children; why the EFF would anyone eat that?).  It was for meat from pigs that were raised humanely, allowed to roam and play, and live.  Because not only do I avoid putting toxic chemicals and additives into my body or feeding them to my family, I also avoid taking the products of cruelty and suffering into my body or feeding them to my family.

Punky with the happy cows on the farm.  THIS is why I won't eat the cruelty laden garbage from the grocery store.

      So we drove out and picked up the ham.  I also picked up some sausage and chorizo.  I'm sure we'll be going back there sometime around Ostara (Easter for you Christian and/or secular types) because all the meat turned out delicious.

      Now for the recipe.  I cobbled this together from a variety of different sites and recipes.  There are two steps to it, brining and baking.  Brining is necessary to obtain a "grocery store-like" honey ham taste.  We had a 3lb ham.  All amounts are estimates, and should be adjusted for taste.  You will need more of everything for a bigger ham.

      Brine Ingredients

• ~ 2 liters cola (I suggest a pop made with real sugar like Pepsi Throwback.  High fructose corn syrup should be avoided, and diet soda or pop with artifical sweeteners should NOT be used).
• Yes, I used this much pop in my recipe.  My goal was flavor.  Since this was a holiday meal, I wasn't quite as uptight about sugar as I usually am.  Plus, the brine is ultimately discarded and there were plenty of veggies served with the ham.
• 1 - 2 cups kosher salt
• 1 head of garlic, crushed/minced
• 6 Bay leaves
• 6 tbsp freshly ground pepper

      You'll need a big enough containter to hold the whole ham, completely submerged in the brine.  I used the crock from my crock pot.  If your ham has skin (ours didn't), slice the skin in a cris-cross pattern.  Put about 2/3 the pop in the pot (be sure the pot isn't going to overflow when the ham is submerged).  Dissolve the salt in the pop.  I actually used half kosher salt and half sushi salt, which is nearly the same, because I needed to reserve some of the Kosher salt for another purpose.  I also found that I lost patience with stirring before the salt was fully dissolved, but it seemed to work out perfectly anyway.  Once the salt is dissolved, add the garlic, pepper, and bay.  Stir.

      Submerge the ham in the brine.  Add the remaining 1/3 of the pop if necessary to cover the ham.  Cover the ham, making sure it remains fully submerged.  I placed a small cup on top of my ham so that when I placed the lid on the crock pot, it pushed the ham down under the brine.

       Leave the ham in the brine for about 2 days, turning it at least once to ensure even flavoring.  I think mine was in for closer to 2 1/2 days, but be careful not to leave it in too long or it will - I'm told - ruin the meat.

      Baking Ingredients (Glaze)*

• 1 can pineapple rings
• 1 jar marichino cherries (the pineapple and cherries are NOT necessary unless you're married to MacGvyer or someone like him)
• Handful of whole cloves
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp sage

      I have to admit this is not the glaze I originally intended to make.  This glaze more or less just happened when certain parties decided to *ahem* help me in the kitchen.

      After taking the meat out of the brine on the day you're going to cook it, let it sit at room temperature for about an hour.  Rinse breifly and pat dry.

      In the meantime, pour only the juice from the can of pineapple and the jar of cherries into a small saucepan.  Stir in the cinnamon and sage.  Simmer gently and allow the juices to reduce to the desired syrupy consistancy.  You may add water and a little honey if you have a bigger ham and are worried about the amount of glaze, but this was more than enough for our 3 lb ham.

      Preheat the oven to 325.

      If your ham has skin, it should already be scored in a criss-cross pattern.  If not, score it now.  In the corners where the lines cross, insert the cloves.  If you live with MacGvyer (or someone with similar tastes), use some of the cloves to pin cherries to the ham.  Place pinapple rings around the cherries.

      Bake the ham uncovered for about 25 minutes per pound, ensuring that the core temperature reaches 160 degrees fahrenheit using a meat thermometer.  About 30 minutes before the ham is done, pour the glaze over it and continue to bake uncovered for the remainder of the time.

      For best results, let the ham sit for a few minutes before carving.  Serve with plenty of fresh, healthy Farmer's Market veggie dishes!

A delicious, completely ethical, holiday meal.  Made extra classy by Boo's Miller High Life.

      The ham this year was a HUGE success.  Everyone loved it, and it was a near perfect replication of the flavor of the "store bought" hams Boo loves.  The flavor of the cola was somewhat detectable, which was by no means a bad thing, but next time I might try a brine without pop in it.  Maybe using honey or pineapple juice.

      One final Ethical Eating Plea:  Please DO NOT use this recipe if you cannot obtain a humanely raised ham.  I do not promote meat eating in general because so many people think nothing of purchasing meat from wherever they can get it at the cheapest price they can find, regaurdless of the sickening and deplorable conditions in which the animals suffer.  This is why I don't typically post meat recipes even when we eat meat.  If you don't care enough to find a humane source for your meat, please don't use my recipes.
*  This glaze was delicious, but far from healthy.  There are a lot of other delicious sounding glaze recipes out there in internet land that might not be quite as syrupy as this one.  Then again, when it comes to a glaze for a special occassion, sugary isn't too bad.  At the very least, I might leave out the marichino cherry juice next time because of the artificial color (or find cherries without the artificial color!).

Turkey

     As we all know, I'm not one for skipping Holidays.  It frustates the heck out of me when I walk into a store that's all fancied up for Christmas/Yule/Chanukka/Festivus and all other holidays on or around Winter Solstice before we've even hit Halloween (or even Patriot Day in some cases!). 

      But I'm breaking my cardinal rule and skipping ahead a holiday.  This skipping, however is necessary and is only preparatory.  Heaven knows I would never fully gloss over Halloween/Samhain!  But poor Thanksgiving really gets short shrift anyway, being sandwiched right between Halloween and the Soltstice holidays.

      Why start thinking about Thanksgiving so far ahead of time?  Honestly, I should have been thinking about it a few months ago and I totally dropped the ball.  The answer is simple:  TURKEY!

      Thanksgiving is a holiday that supposedly centers around giving thanks, but we all know what it really centers around, at least culturally:  Meat.  Turkey meat, to be more precise. 

      Just because turkey is a less popular poultry meat than chicken in no way means they escape the sick horror of factory farms.  Every year, hundreds of millions of turkeys are raised in sickening, tourturous conditions in factory farms. 

      I, for one, cannot stomach the idea of sitting around a warm family table discussing all the blessings in life that we are greatful for only to celebrate those blessings by feasting on an animal that lived its entire life in painful, sickening, deplorable conditions.  That is just simply WRONG.

      But I really don't think I can get the fam on board with a meat free Thanksgiving this year, and I also don't see it as necessary.  We still eat meat occassionally.  Probably about 3 times a month.  But we restrict ourselves from humanely raised meat from local farms.

      So I set out on a mission to find a humanely raised turkey for our Thanksgiving feast, and it looks like we're in luck.  I found this awesome site:  Eat Wild.  Eat wild provides state by state information (with maps) on TONS of humane farms, many of which will even ship meat to you.  Not only was I able to find turkey, I also found pork, beef, chicken, eggs (not that we need any), and goats.  And I'm sure that's just scratching the surface.  It is a GREAT SITE.

      I highly recommend everyone check out Eat Wild.  You might just be surprise by what you find in your area.  I know I was.  Before I found Eat Wild, I only knew of one or two local humane meat producers, turns out there are tons.

     Now, in all honesty, I should have started looking for a turkey earlier in the year.  Some of the farms start taking reservations for the turkeys back in June when the turkeys are babies.  But I've sent emails to a number of farms to see what's available.  And if I can't find anything in the state, I can always click Eat Wild's "Farms That Ship" link and find a farm that might be able to ship me a humanely raised turkey.

      Where are YOU getting your turkey this year?  Or are you even having a turkey?  How are you going to make your Thanksgiving a day of thanks not just for you, but for all the animals and humans who played a role in bringing your food to your table?

      And be sure to check out the recipes site for lots of Thanksgiving deliciousness before and after the day!